Day: September 23, 2006

[Joke] Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.




The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.




The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.




The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.




The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"




The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

[Joke] A bottle of merlot

A gentleman at an expensive restaurant observed a startlingly attractive woman at another table and asked a waiter to send his best bottle of champagne to her.

The waiter brought the woman a botte and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to him.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He then folded it and handed it to the waiter, asking him to return it to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Mercedes CL600 in my garage. I also have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Porsche Turbo in the garages of my various homes, and a 20% stake in a private jet in my private hangar.

As for my bank account, there are over twenty-million dollars of cash in it, not counting a greater amount in stocks and bonds in my brokerage account, and a private island maintained by my private real estate holding company. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.